My first relationship has been my only relationship. That is definitely not the norm for our day and age. But I met my boyfriend Joel when I was sixteen, and we’ve been dating for over three years. It wasn’t something that I was anticipating, being in a relationship. And the changes that happened in me definitely were unexpected. You see, I wasn’t a Christian when Joel and I started dating. This is something that makes people pause at my faith, oh so you became a Christian for him. No! That’s not how it all went down! Joel may have brought me to church, but God did the rest! I recognize that I have been lucky when it comes to this. I haven’t had my heartbroken through a breakup, I haven’t been with anyone who has treated me poorly or not been right. So, what do I have to contribute to the discussion of dating? I have three years of being in a dating relationship and many years of watching and learning from many, as well as myself. A common phrase I hear is “we’re dating to marry.” While on the surface this seems like the proper trajectory, the end goal in any dating relationship should be a lifelong commitment and partner, I have seen how it can be twisted and manipulated in order to break people from their relationship with God. To steer them away from His love. Here are five of the most common problems I see when couples define dating to marry.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean you are going to marry the person you’re dating.
So often, I am confronted with new couples who tell me that “this is the person I’m marrying, we’re not just dating.” While this could be true, often times it is not. By constantly looking towards the future, you do not allow your relationship to naturally progress. When you start to constantly plan ahead for the distant future, you allow your mind to marry before your heart can. This is problematic as it may blind you to vices or potential disagreements. Let your relationship breathe, learn about them in many situations before saying those words.
The first time I seriously thought about marrying my boyfriend, I didn’t say it to him. It was in October of my freshman year of college. We’d been dating for almost two years and even though it was something I had thought about, this was when I knew that I definitely didn’t want anyone else. I had been pretty sick all day, I had to miss class because I was running a fever. I was feeling terrible. I heard my phone buzzing, I grabbed it to answer the call. It was Joel. He was at my dorm door, and had brought me my favorite soup and saltine crackers. He could only stay for fifteen minutes before driving the twenty minutes back to his campus for tennis practice. I was overwhelmed by how much he cared for my well-being, that he would take the time and energy to care for me. This was after close to two years of dating! I didn’t say anything to him, in order to allow us to grow naturally to a point where it was possible to realistically have the conversation. By the time that came around, I felt confident that I knew him well enough and had seen how we would show self-sacrificial love towards one another in marriage. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (Jn 15:13) This an image where Jesus shows us how to love. He tells us that love is shown in putting others above yourself. I recognize that every couple is different, but I firmly believe it takes time to learn this about each other.
Dating to marry doesn’t excuse sexual sin.
In 1 Corinthians, Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Cor. 6:18a) Many couples say “we’re getting married anyways, it’s okay.” This is not true. Are they your husband/wife the day before your wedding? No. Sexual acts have emotional, as well as physical, ramifications. This is just one reason we know that God intended sex for something greater than just making babies or even pleasure, there is a deep connection intended for marriage. And he calls us to purity before marriage. “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Gal. 5: 13) In this verse, Paul calls fellow believers to not to continue sinning even though there is forgiveness. While virginity is simply all about whether or not you have sexual intercourse, purity is references a heart attitude or the “why” of the action, feeling, or thought. Ask yourself this, do you want to do this because it is self-serving in some way (pleasure or gain?) And most importantly, does doing this show your trust in God’s timing and plan?
I want to remind you that virginity is physical and purity is spiritual. Blogger and author, Phylicia Masonheimer, puts it best when she says, “When we focus on virginity as the only manifestation of purity, we also negate the value of Christ’s redemption. Because just as it is possible to be a virgin and be spiritually impure, it is also possible to have lost virginity and yet be renewed by the blood of Christ.” Your “why” can change from self-serving to trust in the Lord and His promises. It is important to remember that there is hope, redemption, and renewal. God can always turn your story into something beautiful.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean they have to be marriage material RIGHT NOW.
I’ve talked to a lot of people who say “yeah, he/she is really nice but he’s not mature/focused/insert husband/wife quality.” As in the first point, no one is going to be perfectly ready for marriage right away. And some of their good and bad qualities need to grow or be unearthed. Just because a potential partner doesn’t seem ready for marriage right now does not mean that they should be dismissed and out of the running. People grow and change, let them be themselves and learn how to be in a relationship.
Just as I can confidently say I want to marry Joel, I can confidently say that we are not ready for it. Not all of it has to do with immaturity either! God needs to build us into the people he intends us to be in marriage. “...get your fields ready; after that build your house.” (Prov. 24:27) This verse is all about preparing for marriage. Just as building a house right takes a long time and hard work, so does building people ready for marriage.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean putting your relationship first.
Words matter. When I hear someone say in the context of dating to marry, “they’re the best thing that’s happened to me” or “I love them more than anything in the world” I cringe. When these become how you feel and believe, your relationship has become an idol in your life. The dictionary definition of an idol is excessive devotion to, or reverence for some person, place, or thing. You are putting the greatest importance on your own relationship. It may seem innocent, but your words convey that you have put your relationship above God. Idolatry is mentioned with importance in both the Old and the New Testament. In the Old Testament, it is the first of the Ten Commandments. In the New Testament, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment of them all is. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Mt. 22:37) In this verse, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment of them all is. He responds with two lines, the one above and one about serving your neighbor. When you say things about your partner being “the best thing” you have put your relationship into a higher place than your love for God.
Another part of this, is that even though you should take time for your relationship, do not let your other friendships fade. While it is tempting to spend all your time with your significant other, being around other people (especially ones that know you well) is refreshing. It is difficult for some people (me included) to learn how to be in a relationship and your own person all at once and keeping connected with your friends is one way to combat that. Balancing spending time together and spending time with others is important for creating a healthy and lasting relationship.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean you have to have the same beliefs.
If this wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be talking about this now. Now I’m not advocating for missionary dating or rescue dating. It is not your job to save anyone from their own brokenness, that’s Christ’s job. (rescue dating) And yes, it’s important for partners to be believers together in marriage. “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” (1 Cor. 15:33) (missionary dating) But to immediately rule out someone as a partner because you don’t agree on EVERY LITTLE THING is ridiculous and limiting God. You do not know what God is going to do in their life. If this becomes a problem, such as being torn away from your relationship with Jesus, then you can revisit the issue.
If it wasn’t for my relationship with Joel, I don’t know how I would have been brought to the foot of the cross. A popular praise song declares “You make beautiful things out of us...” This is true for how he uses us. He is using us to make a beautiful story of redemption and salvation. It can be clearly seen in my relationship. I used to not see it, I would say “I can clearly see the impact Joel has made on my life, but not how I’ve impacted his.” I saw this as a fault, that you could only clearly see the change in me. But through maturing next to him, I have learned that I have been an integral part of Joel’s journey. I tear up just thinking about this.
However, I understand that this is not how all experiences are. With non-believers, be aware of yourself, can your faith handle the challenge of dating a non-believer? Be aware of them too, do they seem open to the idea or do they have a hard shell? And for people who are believers but may have a different denomination or beliefs on certain issues, my biggest advice would be to trust the bible. When faced with a different opinion, go to scripture. Before changing your view, I would suggest talking to a person who you trust to give biblical advice. When you are in the right relationship, your relationship with the Lord will grow also, through your partner’s differences and your own goals.
.....
This is not an exhaustive list. And I don’t want to claim to have all the right answers. Everyone is different and every relationship is as well. My hope would be that these problems and the questions presented in them help one to inspect their own relationship and motivations. In my personal experience, receiving advice from a Christian standpoint on dating has been incredibly helpful. It has helped me to dive deeper into my religious devotion and my dating relationship. These topics are difficult to discern, for more guidance my biggest suggestion would be to talk to a trusted person who is farther along in their faith walk than yourself! And as always, look to the cross and embrace the peace within Christ.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Col. 3:15)
Dating to marry doesn’t mean you are going to marry the person you’re dating.
So often, I am confronted with new couples who tell me that “this is the person I’m marrying, we’re not just dating.” While this could be true, often times it is not. By constantly looking towards the future, you do not allow your relationship to naturally progress. When you start to constantly plan ahead for the distant future, you allow your mind to marry before your heart can. This is problematic as it may blind you to vices or potential disagreements. Let your relationship breathe, learn about them in many situations before saying those words.
The first time I seriously thought about marrying my boyfriend, I didn’t say it to him. It was in October of my freshman year of college. We’d been dating for almost two years and even though it was something I had thought about, this was when I knew that I definitely didn’t want anyone else. I had been pretty sick all day, I had to miss class because I was running a fever. I was feeling terrible. I heard my phone buzzing, I grabbed it to answer the call. It was Joel. He was at my dorm door, and had brought me my favorite soup and saltine crackers. He could only stay for fifteen minutes before driving the twenty minutes back to his campus for tennis practice. I was overwhelmed by how much he cared for my well-being, that he would take the time and energy to care for me. This was after close to two years of dating! I didn’t say anything to him, in order to allow us to grow naturally to a point where it was possible to realistically have the conversation. By the time that came around, I felt confident that I knew him well enough and had seen how we would show self-sacrificial love towards one another in marriage. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (Jn 15:13) This an image where Jesus shows us how to love. He tells us that love is shown in putting others above yourself. I recognize that every couple is different, but I firmly believe it takes time to learn this about each other.
Dating to marry doesn’t excuse sexual sin.
In 1 Corinthians, Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Cor. 6:18a) Many couples say “we’re getting married anyways, it’s okay.” This is not true. Are they your husband/wife the day before your wedding? No. Sexual acts have emotional, as well as physical, ramifications. This is just one reason we know that God intended sex for something greater than just making babies or even pleasure, there is a deep connection intended for marriage. And he calls us to purity before marriage. “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Gal. 5: 13) In this verse, Paul calls fellow believers to not to continue sinning even though there is forgiveness. While virginity is simply all about whether or not you have sexual intercourse, purity is references a heart attitude or the “why” of the action, feeling, or thought. Ask yourself this, do you want to do this because it is self-serving in some way (pleasure or gain?) And most importantly, does doing this show your trust in God’s timing and plan?
I want to remind you that virginity is physical and purity is spiritual. Blogger and author, Phylicia Masonheimer, puts it best when she says, “When we focus on virginity as the only manifestation of purity, we also negate the value of Christ’s redemption. Because just as it is possible to be a virgin and be spiritually impure, it is also possible to have lost virginity and yet be renewed by the blood of Christ.” Your “why” can change from self-serving to trust in the Lord and His promises. It is important to remember that there is hope, redemption, and renewal. God can always turn your story into something beautiful.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean they have to be marriage material RIGHT NOW.
I’ve talked to a lot of people who say “yeah, he/she is really nice but he’s not mature/focused/insert husband/wife quality.” As in the first point, no one is going to be perfectly ready for marriage right away. And some of their good and bad qualities need to grow or be unearthed. Just because a potential partner doesn’t seem ready for marriage right now does not mean that they should be dismissed and out of the running. People grow and change, let them be themselves and learn how to be in a relationship.
Just as I can confidently say I want to marry Joel, I can confidently say that we are not ready for it. Not all of it has to do with immaturity either! God needs to build us into the people he intends us to be in marriage. “...get your fields ready; after that build your house.” (Prov. 24:27) This verse is all about preparing for marriage. Just as building a house right takes a long time and hard work, so does building people ready for marriage.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean putting your relationship first.
Words matter. When I hear someone say in the context of dating to marry, “they’re the best thing that’s happened to me” or “I love them more than anything in the world” I cringe. When these become how you feel and believe, your relationship has become an idol in your life. The dictionary definition of an idol is excessive devotion to, or reverence for some person, place, or thing. You are putting the greatest importance on your own relationship. It may seem innocent, but your words convey that you have put your relationship above God. Idolatry is mentioned with importance in both the Old and the New Testament. In the Old Testament, it is the first of the Ten Commandments. In the New Testament, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment of them all is. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Mt. 22:37) In this verse, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment of them all is. He responds with two lines, the one above and one about serving your neighbor. When you say things about your partner being “the best thing” you have put your relationship into a higher place than your love for God.
Another part of this, is that even though you should take time for your relationship, do not let your other friendships fade. While it is tempting to spend all your time with your significant other, being around other people (especially ones that know you well) is refreshing. It is difficult for some people (me included) to learn how to be in a relationship and your own person all at once and keeping connected with your friends is one way to combat that. Balancing spending time together and spending time with others is important for creating a healthy and lasting relationship.
Dating to marry doesn’t mean you have to have the same beliefs.
If this wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be talking about this now. Now I’m not advocating for missionary dating or rescue dating. It is not your job to save anyone from their own brokenness, that’s Christ’s job. (rescue dating) And yes, it’s important for partners to be believers together in marriage. “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” (1 Cor. 15:33) (missionary dating) But to immediately rule out someone as a partner because you don’t agree on EVERY LITTLE THING is ridiculous and limiting God. You do not know what God is going to do in their life. If this becomes a problem, such as being torn away from your relationship with Jesus, then you can revisit the issue.
If it wasn’t for my relationship with Joel, I don’t know how I would have been brought to the foot of the cross. A popular praise song declares “You make beautiful things out of us...” This is true for how he uses us. He is using us to make a beautiful story of redemption and salvation. It can be clearly seen in my relationship. I used to not see it, I would say “I can clearly see the impact Joel has made on my life, but not how I’ve impacted his.” I saw this as a fault, that you could only clearly see the change in me. But through maturing next to him, I have learned that I have been an integral part of Joel’s journey. I tear up just thinking about this.
However, I understand that this is not how all experiences are. With non-believers, be aware of yourself, can your faith handle the challenge of dating a non-believer? Be aware of them too, do they seem open to the idea or do they have a hard shell? And for people who are believers but may have a different denomination or beliefs on certain issues, my biggest advice would be to trust the bible. When faced with a different opinion, go to scripture. Before changing your view, I would suggest talking to a person who you trust to give biblical advice. When you are in the right relationship, your relationship with the Lord will grow also, through your partner’s differences and your own goals.
.....
This is not an exhaustive list. And I don’t want to claim to have all the right answers. Everyone is different and every relationship is as well. My hope would be that these problems and the questions presented in them help one to inspect their own relationship and motivations. In my personal experience, receiving advice from a Christian standpoint on dating has been incredibly helpful. It has helped me to dive deeper into my religious devotion and my dating relationship. These topics are difficult to discern, for more guidance my biggest suggestion would be to talk to a trusted person who is farther along in their faith walk than yourself! And as always, look to the cross and embrace the peace within Christ.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Col. 3:15)
Above is a link to read the annotated bibliography, where you can read and view the books, articles, and videos that helped me to write this article.
Also up there is a link to an essay on the Making of Project 2 and one to the original piece that sparked this fixed-list advice article! To the right is how this piece would look if it was published on Project Inspired, an online magazine for young Christian women. |